Watch my show dammit or I'll put a voodoo spell on you and your eyes will look like this!

"Tyra is a very impressive person; she's obviously more than a model," Robertson said. "It's her appearances on 'Oprah' that we looked at and said, 'If there's ever a future Oprah, she could be the one. "

I loved watching ANTM (no homo) like the next person but I don't think I could deal with a Tyra Banks talk show. I remember her appearing on an episode of 106 and Park last year to promote the new season ANTM and she mentioned that she was in the process of creating her very own talk show. I'm thinking in my head "yeah right, who would want to tune in for that forehead every weekday" but her actions actually have come to past. Be on the look out for it hitting a FOX station near you this fall. Let's pray that it does a little better than The Ananda Lewis show (damn, I know she still wishes she was at MTV some days).

In ANTM related news, Eva "the diva" has been dropped as the spokeswoman for Apple Bottoms. Who's the replacement killer? Melyssa Ford. I'm not shocked because the clothing line is called Apple Bottoms and Ms. Ford is killing 'em now days (no homo for this entire paragraph). In my opinion (which is the only one that matters) she is hotter, point-blank-period. Sorry Eva! Didn't watch that season of ANTM due to the fact I was off at school. Maybe if I had the luxury I would feel differently but I didn't so oh well. "Past winners of "Model" have complained that their careers never took off as promised. " Yeah, right. I don't think you can blame the show completely. Each individual is ultimately responsible for their own career. Hate it or love it.

What's good everybody? Hope everyone is feeling relaxed and less bloated from this past weekend. I was unable to hit up any bar-b-que's for the simple fact that the weather was pretty bad in this area. Tomorrow also marks the beginning of hurricane season for us people down in the southern states. I reside on the southeast coast of Georgia so we feel it pretty badly every year. So far so good, our roof has yet to blow off. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

My time this weekend was also consumed with the task of trying to create a new, more efficient layout. I don't know when it will be up but I'm trying to aim for sometime later this week maybe? It'll be accordingly to how diligently I work on it. My, don't I sound like an intelligent coon today! Anyways, how cool is Gigi Marie? She's cool for the simple fact that I think she lives in Jacksonville or somewhere close by. I never, ever read anyone's blog that is geographically close to me. So if you're reading this Gigi, you're the bestest. Plus I'm digging the list on Sephora. I might just go there now and create my own.


  • I still haven't officially heard the song yet but I did read the lyrics to chapter one and two. This shit is hilarious! It reminds me of a Eric Jerome Dickey book.

  • You ARE the fathers Rza and DMX (this hasn't been a very good month for you has it?)

  • Lindsay's Dad is going to be somebody's bitch for a while.

  • Click here to find out which crackah ass crackah said 50 Cent would "would be the best boyfriend a girl could wish for."

  • Listen to the parody of Akon's "Lonely" for Lindsay Lohan called "Boney".

  • Usher. You are not Micheal Jackson. I repeat you are not Micheal Jackson.
  • Mad Linx (Host of Rap City). You ever notice that this nigga never has any guest on the show? True enough we had to deal with Big Tigger talking with his hands and rapping in the b0oth every now and then but its something we learned to deal with.
  • People who take blogging a little too seriously. Grab a hold of life.
  • Sylvia Rhone. I stopped believing in your "visions" a very long time ago when you said Whitney was going to leave Bobby. Yeah right! Those two are still in eightball heaven. Your voice also sounds like you're suffering from emphysema. And how do you wipe your ass with those fingernails?
  • Chicks on Blackplanet / Migente / who insist on pouting their lips to "look sexy". You don't look hot, you look like a damn fool.
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I don't give a blue fuck about your relationship. Why should I be exposed to it everytime I turn on the picture box? I can stomach Ashton and Mary Kay Letourneau, erh, Demi Moore more so than you guys. And then you make my irritation reach new and profound heights by appearing on Oprah. With her sickening ass.
  • Aaron Carter. Straight outta Wiscompton! I can't stand this little white boy because he's the talent equivalent of Vanilla Ice.
  • Stedman Graham. Grow some nuts!
  • Black people who always blame "the white man" for everything. Your car broke down? Blame the white man. Can't get an erection? Blame the white man. Your utilities were turned off because of a past due payment? Blame the white man. Lines long at Wal Mart? "Dem damn crackahs need to accept my damn application and we wouldn't have this problem!".
  • Eva Longoria. I think her pussy should come with both a warning and side affect label. I hope Mr. Parker didn't tap that. Her last name kinda sounds like ghonerra now that I think about it...
  • The Black Eyed Peas. Everytime their music comes on I get a staggering migraine. I can't understand for the life of me how anyone in their right mind can nominate you people for any award other than "most likely to blow up after you add a white girl with great abs".
  • Bobby Valentino. Everytime I hear that song I want to scream. Plus you're shorter than Ludacris thus legally making you a midget.



Shizzam! Am I the only person (jig) in America who doesn't own a copy of the complete second season of Chappelle's Show? Nigga's on a budget! Got to wait til "da whiteman" cut my check. Until then I will be forced to do one of two things: watch the episodes I recorded myself or download it off the internet. I probably will no neither and just wait.

Before I bounce for the night, who saw the R.Kelly special last night on Barely Entertaining Television? (image courtesy of some site) I forgot all about it. Hell I haven't even heard the song yet.



It kinda looks like she's farting in the pool. Like one of those wet farts that vibrate your coochie lips.

Summer's almost here! Time to break out that malt liquor flavored popsicle and hit the beach.

I've been so preoccupied today with enjoying this Georgia sunshine that I almost forgot to post. I've also been spending most of my cyber time today grazing the comments at Bol's site. It's almost like a damn message board to me. I also love going there and reading different posts of his. Dang, lemme step off duke's nuts real quick but its the truth. I've made aware of shit I never knew about before by just reading through the archives. BryanCrawford.com ROX [/end poser white girl] Anyway, Uncle Phil has been catching heat for his doo lately. Now with all this talk about bad hair nobody bothered to mention the old white chick from the church channel with the pink wig. Jan's had the same damn wig every since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Speaking of Jesus (okay so I wasn't really talking about Jesus but you get the connection)....

What's up with DMX? I peeped the nigga on TV crying (BIG surprise huh) outside of a concert. While watching Room Raiders (shut the hell up) , MTV news came on reporting that after a talk with Pastah Betha aka Mase he has decided to remain a rapper instead of preaching for the Lord. I'm so glad that Mase talked some since into X. It would've been an embarassment to the whole Christian faith. First MC Hammer, then Mr. T pops yelling at the scream"he pitys the fool who isn't saved", and then Deebo from Friday tried to punk me out for not being born again via TBN. Next thing I needed was another damn rapper telling me I need to get right with the Lord. Like Jesus Shuttlesworth said in He Got Game, "they (entertainers / athletes) get caught smoking crack in a hotel room with 10 hoes then they find Jesus. They find Jesus alright."
"I was ready to do that," X said last week in Miami about
declaring his permanent estrangement from rap. "I talked to Mase. I said, 'Dog!
I'm fed up with this rap sh--. I know the Lord. I know my true calling is to
preach the Word, where do I go from here?' He was like, 'As long as the Lord
gives you the talent to do what you do, do it. He'll call you when he's ready.
He'll call you when he's ready.' "
And I'm so elated that he has yet to place that call. Praise Moses!

Crunk and Disorderly Lifetime Achievement Award For Portrayal of A Substance Abuser


I love Samuel L. Jackson as a serious actor, Lord knows I do. I truly believe he did some of his best work when he played one of my favorite crackheads however. Let me take you back to his "Gator" days in Jungle Fever. Everytime BET shows this movie (which is about once every two months. BET needs to start buying the rights to more movies) I tune in just to watch it for Gator. Damn sure ain't Wesley. He reminds me of a neighbor basshead I grew up with named Roy Lee. Now I would have to say that Roy Lee was a nice blend of Gator and Ezel from Friday. Not only could the bum entertain us with his dancing capabilities, he was very handy. Yardwork, washing cars, even making mixtapes. Ultra old school style - - on actual cassette tapes. Half of the people who were born after 1988 probably have no idea of what that is but that's another subject.

Thank you Mr. Jackson for providing young people like me an insightful view of the trials and tribulations of an American dopehead.

But in (not so) recent years there has been one sole heir to the Hollywood crack throne. The crackhead from Menace II Society is a prime example of a raw, gritty fiend. Although I've seen the movie about 1,000 times I still don't know his name. Hmm, maybe I'll check the credits next time I watch Cain and O-Dog wrecking shit. I just love the way he can convey his passion for rocks. "Man, I'll suck yo diccckkkk." Now how many of us can say that we ourselves haven't asked our neighborhood dealer that same very question? Or how he offered cheeseburgers in replace of money, smart thinking. Too bad this young man was gunned down before his star could shine.

This is all fiction however. For examples of real life rockheads we must turn to Bobby and Whitney.


Star Jones looks like a damn alien from Star Wars in this picture. I just had to share. Her head looks huge, almost as big as Slim Thug. This shit got to be altered.


Fuck that. Eliminate the middle man. Get a free G Mail account.

And if a man wants to take a vacation to Africa and come back and milk cows thats his say so.

Public Service Announcement #1: Black People Stop Making Movies About Hair Salons / Barbershops / Hair Shows

Beauty Shop
Beauty Shop: Under New Management
Nora's Hair Salon
Hair Show
Barbershop 2: Back in Business

Here's in inside tip for you: It's no longer a new concept.

Public Service Announcement #2: Black People Stop Having Madea Film Festivals On Family Gatherings / Holidays I'm so sick of sitting through Tyler Perry's movies! It's not funny after the first 200 times people. I don't see how my family sits there everytime we have a function and laugh at the television as if it's their first time seeing it. And most of the time it's not even that damn funny. We're not going to talk about all that terrible ass singing they do in the movie either.

Public Service Announcement #3: Black People Stop Taking Your Stupid Ass On Maury For Free Paternity Tests If you don't know who your babydaddy is you have a problem. That doesn't require you however to take your ass all the way to New York to find out who it is, even if it is free. Somethings are priceless. Oh say, like self respect? But I see that's not important to everyone. Especially the not-so-occasional guest who have been on the show four times with fourteen different men testing three kids. Stop embarassing yourself.

Public Service Announcement #4: Black People Stop Passing Out When Maury Says "You Are Not The Father!" Get your big ass off the floor and go call up some more potential candidates. Nobody told you to run around on stage saying you were 100 percent positive.

Public Service Announcement #5: Black People Stop Passing Out When Maury Says "You Are The Father!" Get your big ass off the floor and go collect your child support.

Stupid spoofs.

In recent news members of Bobby Brown's entourage was stabbed at Justin's in Atlanta. Hell, I was shocked to hear that he even had a damn entourage still. No worries, Whitney's fine. She didn't get hit by a plate this time.

I simply cannot wait to see Bobby's new reality show that is supposed to be hitting Bravo soon. I plan on recording every single episode of it for my personal movie / reality television collection. I can only imagine some of the segments on the show... Bobby getting hit upside of the head by Whitney as she asked "Where the receipts Bobby? Where the hell are they at?". Bobby Brown is my hero, he's America's hero.


Is it possible for him to have atleast one semi-cute child though? They don't have to be the cutest kid in the world but damn. The man definitely have some ugly dominant genes no matter who he impregnates (yeah, Bobbi Christina is ugly too). Look at the little boy's hair for Christ's sake. Parents please, if you're kids are total ugly and there's no hope for their looks what so ever, atleast do their hair. I'm tired of seeing little kids walking around looking like bah bah black sheep. You don't have to give them a new style every day but damn, put a Just For Me! kit on those naps. This is a little boy however so things would be different. Don't have the boy looking like a Buckwheat stunt double - - cut that shit off of their head!


I hate being new to the scene, I really do. No one knows who I am, no one knows what to make of this page...it's really sucking right now. But I must continue on! There is a void out there for funny, African American based humor sites on the net and dammit I want to fill it. But since this is a brand, spankin new blog, I don't feel like I should put my "best" work out here quite yet. No one is even reading this but me anyways! Okay, maybe my girl (no homo) Erica is but that's about it. For the time being I will just hit ya'll with some interesting links / news to keep you occupied. I am working on a couple of post that I am sure will be both very interesting and funny, so be on the lookout for that. I will not lose.

Beyonce finally fired Daddy dearest recently. According to reports, Beyonce told her Pops to "pack his bags and get on the bus" (who remembers that old DC song, eh?) after he reportedly carried on an affair with a background dancer. What in the hell was this man thinking? It's not like Tina is walking around looking like Sam Casselle.

Everytime I see Tyra screaming at the top of voice telling that chick she "does not know where the hell she's from", the instrumental of T.I.'s "U Don't Know Me" automatically begins in my head. Tyra, don't ever do that shit again.

G Unit is now looking for P.Y.T.'s to pose for a calendar for free. "This is a great photo oppourtunity for models and a chance to introduce yourself to the rest of the nation." Great opportunity my ass! C.T.C.! Cut the check! Damn 50 all the girls need just a lil bit, not much but a lil bit. . .

This is a big no no Ms. Osbourne.

60 Beautiful Black Women: A list compiled to give respect to 60 gorgeous women of color in Hollywood. The list had its high points, like listing sexy starlets (no homo) from the past like Dorothy Dandridge. However I think the list should've strictly included females that were in the game for a minimum of ONE year. This is a straight and direct diss to Brooke Valentine who somehow made it. I'm all for the video chicks coming up in the world like the next woman but Ms. Freek-a-leek is on that joint as well. Guess you can't win em all.

What does Micheal Jackson and caviar have in common?


They both come on little crackers.

Have a crunk day.


It's A Damn Shame / Quick News

When I was five years old I was watching "My Little Ponytails" snacking on gummy bears. Not packing heat. But what was 15 years ago, oh how time's have changed! I remember my Mama checked my Strawberry Shortcake bookbag for notes from the teacher, class assignments, and an occasional reptile. Gang banging in the wolf territory known as kindergarten must be hard these days. We can't knock Lil' Christian (also known as C-Murder) for just trying to survive. His parents should've seen the warning signs a long time ago when he got "Thug Life" tattooed across his stomach while he was rapping "high like space / four five on waist". Now that's certified gangsta!

Some people make me embarassed to say I'm from Georgia. It's bad enough Gucci Mane's "Icy" song gets about 3,000 spins in one hour on local radio stations and he has a video that actually is nationally syndicated. This is one hell of a publicity stunt Gucci. I know you couldn't have possibly came up with this by yourself so I have no other choice but to assume that this is true. If it is, its a crying shame as Ma Dukes would say. In other I'm-ashamed-to-be-from-GA news, Bone Crusher's mortgage payment must be past due. The reason I say this is because he remixed the theme song for The Real Gilligan's Island. I'm saying though!

Like you didn't see this coming. No one should be surprised at all that Star Wars: Episode 83 broke the single day sales record. If you are however you should be immediately taken in the middle of the street and shot at point blank range. The only Star Wars movie I have ever seen was the joint that came out in '99 ('98? shit, something). And the only reason why I did was it was a class trip, free class trip.

"Hello OnStar, hi, yes, my toddler son is trapped inside of my escalade. Oh, by the way, I also have 1,700 pounds of marijuana in there as well".


I'm so happy to report that Naima is America's Next Top Model. Hooray! I'm so glad that that bitch Kenyah (or however the hell she spells it) didn't win the contest. "You don't understand because you're not black" has got to be the dumbest statement I've heard come out of someone's mouth in a very long time. I think she's well on her way to become an Omarosa-type anyway. Besides, you don't actually have to win the show to become a "next top model". I've seen a couple of girls from last season in various print ads after the show was completed. Don't let Tyra and her evil fivehead derail your dreams! Long live the cam hams of the world we know as models!


Ma, the only problem that we have now is removing those nasty Ashanti circa 2002 sideburns. Please don't fuck up and become the unoffical spokeswoman for Nads.

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Use don't abuse (ie. adding me to your site's mailing list). And for the love of God please stop sending mp3 files of your music. I am not Clive Davis and to be frank I probably don't want to hear the shit anyway. You should also know that I take my slow, precious time responding to email. And sometimes I don't respond at all. Fresh.crunkjuice@gmail.com



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