The Afterburn

Tonight I cuddled up with JB's corpse, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and a prayer handkerchief to watch the 49th Grammy Awards. During the course of the night each item played a tremendous role in helping me keep my sanity.

- I would be telling a lie if I said I wasn't excited about watching The Police reunite. I couldn't resist the urge to sing the chorus to Cam'ron's "What Means The World To You." Sorry Curtis.

- I retrieved my handy-dandy pocket atlas during Jamie Foxx's presentation monologue to precisely locate where his hairline would be tonight. It moved an astounding four centimeters to the left, to the left.

- Speaking of which, Beyonce may have been on singing on stage but Sasha didn't come out to play. Darn.

- The Black Eyed Peas escaped from an Los Angeles group home to attend the show. I'm not sure whether it was nerves or botox but Fergie needs to brush up on her reading skills.

- Magical things happen when Mary J. Blige wears her Nettie braid. Watch what happens.

- I was too preoccupied with sending text messages to Ninja Girl and Da Real to pay full attention to Justin Timberlake's performance. However when I did look up he was doing some 'Blair Witch' shit with one of the cameras. I haven't been that close to a white man since my hospital visit.

- Clifford dropped the envelope for Female R&B Vocal performance for one of two reasons: either his blood sugar was low and he felt suddenly weak or he glimpsed Baby Daniel mean mugging him from the audience.

- I love Corrine Bailey Rae, John Legend and John Mayer to pieces but I changed the channel during their performance.

- Shakira and Wyclef's performance was almost identical to their VMA appearance. *Yawn*

- Tonight was full of all types of unexplainable shit. An ewok performing on stage at the Grammy's?! Who would've thunk it. We can all thank MJB's magical doonkie braid for that one.

- Ludacris is going to wake up tomorrow morning with stigmatic sores across his body. Oprah and Bill O'Reilly are overnighting him an assortment of root boxes right.damn.now.

- The wrath of Slickback is inescapable.

- Mary J. Blige's performance was cool and all that but I felt like there was something missing. It didn't occur to me what that something was until Da Real so graciously guided me into the right direction. K-Ci should've popped up out of nowhere and sung "Endless Love." Ohhh yeah!

- I thought the The Three Caramel Brothers Revue featuring Smokey Robinson, Lionel Ritchie and Chris Brown was nice but it was Christina Aguilera's rendition of "It's A Man's World" that really stirred up a fresh batch of raw emotion. JB slid off the sofa twice during her time on stage.

- And just when I thought I had picked JB off the floor for the final time they just had to go and do a tribute. There really is no rest for the weary.

- Verdine White a/k/a/ "Perm and Gums" is without a shadow of a doubt Michelle Williams' pops. That is all.

- At first I was going to write something really mean about Solange's future understudy Robyn Troup's performance but I had to remind myself that tonight is her first time performing in front of a crowd of that magnitude. See I can be nice!

Congratulations, you've successfully made it through another incredibly boring Grammy Award show. Pictures from the red carpet and show are coming tomorrow morning. I can't wait to read your comments and blog entries about it.


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