Dear Family,

Please take time out from cleaning chitlins and smoking weed to read the following. Thanks.

- Wait until you get in your own house to take a dump.

- Cousin Angela stop being siddity for once in your life. Every year you turn your nose up at the food (the same shit you was raised on mind you) and talk about how "country" we are. Hoe sit down.

- BE ON TIME BLACK PEOPLE! Last year we were supposed to eat at 3 p.m. and didn't actually get started until the infomercial for "Classic Soul Ballads" came on.

- Your kid breaks you buy.

- If you know your are one of those people who struggle to boil water please do not try to use this time to get your Rachael Ray on. Just bring some Chek soda and we'll call it even.

- If I hear the phrase "Hey (insert my family's nickname for me), you think you can watch the kids while I run up the street? I'll be right back" this holiday season I am going to lose it. You know how many times one of my cousin's trips "up the street" has turned into a six hour long escapade? Take your kid with you!

- Family gatherings do not equal amateur night at Showtime at the Apollo.

- This goes out to all of my"big" cousins: Get your own shit. Do not ask me to bring you back a couple of napkins, a peach soda, silverware, or a toothpick. This is why you have all of those damn kids for.

- Uncle Rawkus no one cares about your political views. Please refrain from using this family gatherings as an opportunity to tell us about the white man oppressing black America; we don't give a shit.

- I said it once, I'll say it 1,000 damn times: Stop it with the fucking Tyler Perry movies already! This is not the Madea film festival! "Meet The Browns" is not funny after you've watched it for the 2,000th time.

Other Great Holiday Tips

"Do not be ghetto and take a plate home if someone invited you over for dinner. It's like a buffet, eat all you can while you there and leave with a full belly. Just assume the answer is no. - Dream

"There is only so many things you can do with left over Turkey, do not try to re-freeze it and save it for Christmas! " - Es

"Don't try to save wrapping paper for next year. My grandmother does this - - she saves bows and wrapping paper off of other people's gifts. This is the only tacky thing I can think of that my grandmother does." - Style + Grace
"Making sure not to get too drunk and reveal all of the family secrets to the family."- Miss Keish

"Being Bobby Brown" caps via my 'Roni Rich @ four four

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Use don't abuse (ie. adding me to your site's mailing list). And for the love of God please stop sending mp3 files of your music. I am not Clive Davis and to be frank I probably don't want to hear the shit anyway. You should also know that I take my slow, precious time responding to email. And sometimes I don't respond at all. Fresh.crunkjuice@gmail.com



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